long beach unitl sunday. bay area until may.

i came across a quote the other day and thought it made so much sense and how much i related to it, it read “when you stop chasing the wrong things, you give the right things a chance to catch you.”

it helped me realize that ive always been doing the chasing or the ‘work’ in relationships and im exhausted from it, being the first to text the other person in the morning, being the last one to text every night, being the first to initiate conversation throughout the day. so i stopped. to see what would happen. and ..nothing. im through. im done.

not saying my walls are going any higher, but just starting to recognize being smarter about who i talk to and who i date. i want to see everything that i ran away from catch up to me.

JANUARY=PIMP

Loves to chat. Loves those who love them. Loves to takes things at the centre. Inner and physical beauty. Lies but doesn’t pretend. Gets angry often. Treats friends importantly. Brave and fearless. Always making friends. Easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer. Opinionated. Does not care to control emotions. Unpredictable. 
Extremely smart, but definitely the hottest AND sexiest of them MFE.

FEBRUARY=THUG 
Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. sexiest out of everyone.A real speed demon. Has more than one best friend. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest and loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not show it. Dislikes unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizing dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions. Resend this in 5 min. and you will talk to someone new and realize that you are a perfect match. ♥

MARCH=GORGEOUS 
Drop dead gorgeous!!! Attractive personality. Very sexy!!. Affectionate & Secretive. Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Chatterbox! Loves to talk alot! Loves to get their way! . Unbelievable kisser! Easily angered. Very stubborn in the most way possible! Loves to get noticed! Willing to take risks for others. Makes good choices. Has a great fashion sense! Maybe a little too popular with others . Outgoing and crazy at times! Intelligent. Can sometimes be a heartbreaker! Can love as much as  possible! Hates insults. Loves compliments! A very big flirt!and quiet the charmer. Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness. The best in bed out of the other 11 months!! Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Observant and assesses others.likes to keep theyre crushes kinda secret.pretty much flawless If you repost this in the next 5 mins, you will meet your new love in 8 days.

APRIL=SEXY
Suave and compromising.. Funny and humorous. Stubborn. Very talkative. Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Loyal. Does work well with others. Very confident. Sensitive.. Positive Attitude. Thinking generous. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Able to cheer everyone up and/or make them laugh. Able to motivate oneself and others. Understanding. Fun to be around. Outgoing. Hyper. Bubbly personality. Secretive. Boy/girl crazy. Loves sports, music, leisure and travelling. Systematic.. Hot but has brains. If you repost this in 5 mins, a cutie that’s caught your eye will introduce themselves and you will realize at 
you are very much alike in the next 2 days.

MAY=LOVER 
Hella sexy, loves sex n making luv, tends to be SOOOOO hott!! Active and dynamic. Decisive and haste but tends to regret. Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves attention. Diplomatic. Consoling, friendly and solves people’s problems. Brave and fearless. Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous. Usually you have many friends. Enjoys to make love. Emotional. Stubborn. Hasty. Good memory. Moving, motivates oneself and others. Loves to travel and explore. Sometimes sexy in a way that only their lover can understand. if you do not repost this in the next 5 mins. someone very close to you will become mad at you in the next 8 days. 

JUNE =FINEASS 
Fun to be with. Loves to try new things. Boy/girls LOVE you. You are very hott. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takesrep pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people’s feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. spazzy at times.Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover. Repost this in the next 5 mins and your reputation will boost someway in the next 12 day 

JULY=GANGSTA 
You’ve got the best personality and are an absolute pleasure to be around. You love to make new friends and be outgoing.You are a great flirt and more than likely have a very attractive partner, a wicked hottie. Like somebody with a JUNE brithday. It is also more likely than that you have a massive record collection. When it comes to films, you know how to pick them and may one day become a famous actor/actress yourself - heck, you’ve got the looks for it!!! IN the next 6 days you will meet someone that may possibly become one of your closest friends, if you repost this in 5 minutes. 

AUGUST=ATTITUDE
outgoing personality. takes risks. feeds on attention. self control. kind hearted. Self confident. loud and boisterous. VERY revengeful. easy to get along with and talk to. has an “every thing’s peachy” attitude. likes talking and singing. loves music. daydreamer. easily distracted. Hates not being trusted. BIG imagination. loves to be loved. hates studying. in need of “that someone”. longs for freedom. rebellious when withheld or restricted. lives by “no pain no gain” caring. always a suspect. playful. mysterious. “charming” or “beautiful” to everyone. stubborn. curious.. independent. strong willed. a fighter. repost in 5 mins and you will meet the love of your life sometime next month. 

SEPTEMBER=PIMP 
Loves to chat. Loves those who love them. Loves to takes things at the centre. Great in bed. Inner and physical beauty. Doesn’t pretend. Gets angry often. A meaningful love life partner. Makes right choices. Treats friends importantly. Brave and fearless. Always making friends. Does not harm others. It is all about love and fairness. Easily hurt and hard to recover. Daydreamer and does fullfill. Opinionated. Does not care to control emotions. Knows what to do, to have fun. Unpredictable. Someone to have close to you. Extremely smart, but definitely the hottest AND sexiest of them all. If you repost this in the next 5 minutes, you will kiss the one that you been wanting… 

OCTOBER=HOTTIE 
Trustworthy and loyal. Very passionate and dangerous. Wild at times. Knows how to have fun. Sexy and mysterious. Everyone is drawn towards your inner and outer beauty and independent personality. Playful, but secretive. Very emotional and temperamental sometimes. Meets new people easily and very social in a group. Fearless and independent. Can hold their own. Stands out in a crowd. Essentially very smart. Usually, you ever begin a relationship with someone from this month, hold on to them because their one of a kind. Repost in 5 mins & you will excel in a major event coming up sometime this month. 

NOVEMBER=SWEETIE 
Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint. Needs no motivation. Shy towards opposite sex. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear and neck.. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves travelling. Dislike being at home. Restless. having many children. Hardworking. High spirited. If you repost this in the next 5 minutes, you will become close to someone you do not speak to much in the next 4 days. 

DECEMBER=BEAUTY 
This straight-up means ur the most good-looking Loyal and generous. Patriotic. Competitive in everything. Active in games and interactions. Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Easy to talk to, though hard to understand. Thinks far with vision, yet complicated to know. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite and soft-spoken. Having lots of ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitating, tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint. Needs no motivation. Shy towards opposite sex. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves travelling. Dislike being at home. Restless. having many children. Hardworking. High spirited.

MARCH. ;)

these clinicals have gotten to me in more ways than one. ive been shadowing employees of the lab department at sunrise hospital here in las vegas for the past week through the next two. in my first six days working, i have seen four deaths. this is the most excruciating part of this job. i dont think i can survive without having mental rehabilitative repercussions. i can only be so strong for so long, but seeing those four deaths, the way that theyve been presented to me has been really hard to take in. 

the first: a class 3, also known as a DNR. a do not resuscitate.

the second: a code blue. a person who is crashing while in care.

the third: a cardiac arrest victim. everyone did everything they could to save his life.

the fourth: a class 1 trauma victim.

seeing these images over and over in my head as i try to close my eyes to sleep, relentlessly plays again and again. the dreams, ive had since the first death have all been modifications of these deaths and having them play out in real life, this kind of deja vu is scaring me. im frustrated that i cant and do not know how to cope. im realizing im more and more scared of a painful death. im fearful that i may end up like one of my former patients. i dont know what to do, but im losing sleep over it. 

co-workers have suggested to me, that i cant look at the patients face and just concentrate on the job at hand, but its hard. im one of the kinds of people who likes to establish a good working relationship, and seeing them do well. but seeing them go down, truly takes a toll not just emotionally but physically too. this overwhelming and exhausting feeling of wanting to just curl up and lay fetal positioned until its all over, but i cant. day 07 of 15 begins in 8.5 hours. FML!

you keep finding a way back into my life, is this supposed to be a sign?

there is too many to name. sadly.

Falling in Love. im not going to go into it further with explanations because i think its self-explanatory especially with its expectations.

besides talking? being crazy? bit would have to be rushing to do too many things at once. maybe because its an anxiety that i always have to be doing something? or maybe its because of my unfulfillment at not accomplishing anything significant. my mind never rests and is constantly thinking of errands or duties that i have and need to tend to. i will admit that i dont know how to relax and that i do have a fear of both failure (Atychiphobia) and a fear of rejection or defeat (Kakorrhaphiophobia).

isay hella the most, people KNOW im from the bay because of it.

besides the first male that threw away my trust and near affection was my biological father? it was a former best friend. someone who i had trusted and grew close to. someone who was my greater influence and near inspiration. what he did was unforgettable, the concept of what he did was unforgiveable. but it hurts that i through everything that he did, i still want to look at him as a best friend. its just things have now shifted and changed. he wasnt there when i needed him most and didnt come to my defense when the situation called for it, instead taking the side of the antagonist. some best friend. maybe this adds to the reason why i cant get close to males in my life, including acquiantances i meet …

in life, im at a place where im still unfulfilled, maybe because i am constantly feeling the negative vibes, seeing things for how they are. unable to see the good in a bad situation. at this moment, im without family and friends being physically around me, all that surrounds me is unfamiliar territory and im living life aimlessly without the slightest element of guidance. i need but lack the support to pull my capabilities out. i feel limited in a limited city, i think i need out ..or at least that one opening, that one opportunity.